Denial Makes the World Go Round

I have said that i have spent 30 years on perfection and i now wanted to learn the wisdom of imperfection or living without expecting perfect (from others). Here is an interesting article that seem to be right on that point.

[source]

More on this later... but here are few quotes.

If the infraction was described as a mistake and the applicant apologized, viewers gave him the benefit of the doubt and said they would trust him with job responsibilities. But if the infraction was described as fraud and the person apologized, viewers’ trust evaporated — and even having evidence that he had been cleared of misconduct did not entirely restore that trust.

“We concluded there is this skewed incentive system,” Dr. Kim said. “If you are guilty of an integrity-based violation and you apologize, that hurts you more than if you are dishonest and deny it.”

and

The system is skewed precisely because the people we rely on and value are imperfect, like everyone else, and not nearly as moral or trustworthy as they expect others to be. If evidence of this weren’t abundant enough in everyday life, it came through sharply in a recent study led by Dan Ariely, a behavioral economist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Intimacy? Yes. Romance? No

有时侯百无聊赖的时候了也会有百无聊赖的收获，除了花重金买下一件BR的Hooded Fleece意外，还找到了这篇好文。全文都很精彩，但因为版权关系，我只能摘录一段。全文在此。

Real intimacy is frightening. It requires a kind of openness, honesty and self-respect that most of us aren't used to. But Schnarch's 30 years of counseling couples has convinced him that it's worth it. A truly intimate connection between adults is less volatile, because couples aren't ticked off about what their partner is or isn't doing to prop them up. It's more solid, because it's based on reality. "Ultimately, you get through gridlock and get to a place of more honest self-disclosure, where the focus is on being known, rather than being validated," he says. Best of all, the sex often becomes more relaxed, creative and connected. Literally and figuratively, no one's hiding in the dark anymore.

我有时候也本能的想，自己无聊或者无助的时候不能就总把朋友当作药方 -- 尽管有个supportive的朋友会很有帮助。这些恐怕是很多人都有的Choronical Disease，虽然很难根除，但如果自己坚持努力总会有所改善。这篇文章的看法跟我所推崇的另外一个观点能够串联起来，那就是Stephen Covey提到的dependent --> independent （这篇文章里面说的emotionally mature) --> interdependent (reality-based intimacy)的递进关系。

But don't expect your partner to applaud when you tell the truth about yourself. Learn to lick your own wounds—it's not your partner's job to soothe you, it's yours. Try to tell the truth for the right reason. Being honest doesn't mean being vindictive. "The idea is that you are telling each other the truth, even when it is difficult, out of caring and commitment, not because you're pissed off and want to carve each other up," he says. The irony, says Schnarch, is that rather than increasing conflict between couples—as you would think might happen—emotional honesty has the opposite effect. The issue is no longer about what your partner does or doesn't do: You can accept that they, like all people, have their own limitations and failings. Instead, the focus shifts to you, and whether you're being a grown-up—or not.

Schnarch把坦诚的关系看作是和谐性生活的基石，并且把性和intimacy看作是人格发展的重要步骤。此文还推崇做爱的时候睁大眼睛看着对方:-)